Want to start a frustrating, non-productive training experience? Looking for an approach to training that will leave you jaded, cynical and no farther along? Well this revolutionary program may be exactly what you’re looking for!
Step 1: Go as hard as you can. Right out of the gate
Who cares how much more you’ll be able to handle after even a month of moderate effort? You need to get going now! If you’re wondering how hard you should push, make it 9/10 as a minimum. Don’t waste precious minutes cleaning up technique. Remember: any workout that doesn’t leave you as a broken husk of a human being is a waste of time.
Step 2: Avoid incremental progress
Adding 10% per week to what you’re already doing is far slower than adding 500%. That’s just math. Math doesn’t have to talk about things like tissue tolerance or managing training stresses. Math doesn’t even speak English!
Step 3: Carbs are the devil
Protein might kill you. No fats either (obviously). What does that leave? Simple: eat nothing. Food is the enemy and every calorie is a potentially mortal wound. Treat it as such. This approach will never drive you crazy or cause you to binge. If it does, refer to Step 4.
Step 4: Rely on willpower
Everything you do should feel like it requires monumental effort. Pile on the stresses, they’re slimming! High stress will also help you verify that your expectations are always too high to meet. In the unlikely event that you meet your expectations, see Step 5.
Step 5: Raise your expectations
Higher! Refer to pictures of fitness models or other people who deserve to win Olympic medals for being fit and attractive. Compare yourself to these people daily. Social media will never lead you astray.
Step 6: Choose a metric that only tells part of the story
Bodyfat percentage is OK but good old scale weight is even better. Get married to those numbers. They are the only way to measure success. Any small victories in the gym, on the table, or in general should be ignored.
Step 7: Listen to every piece of fitness or nutrition advice you come across
If one thing contradicts another, go with the most recent thing you’ve heard. Let the slightest criticism put the brakes on whatever you’re doing. Seek out relentlessly negative people who have internet access; they’ll make sure you get the best advice possible.
Step 8: Concentrate on the darkness
Perform a daily meditation on every slight you’ve ever experienced. Hone your focus until the humiliation is fresh and raw.
Step 9: The basics will never work
If something seems logical or reasonable to you, like eating more vegetables or walking outside every day, forget about it. Those habits are slow and would have to be natural parts of an enjoyable, normal life for years to take effect. Pay no mind to where you’ll be five years from now. The future is way too far away.
Step 10: Change is the enemy
Remember that fat-loss is a short-term intervention and as soon as it has been attained you should go back to doing exactly what you were doing before. When your frustration reaches critical mass, Step 1 will be right there waiting for you.